I know I haven’t written in a while, and I still have another post from Janet to put up (with pictures, woot), but my life? My life that I alone can live? Royally sucketh lately. Yes, I’m still alive. Yes, I’m thankful for that. Let’s make some lists, shall we?

Sucketh:
~A freaking work project that has been eating ALL of my spare time. Like, literally staying late at work almost every day. I’m a student worker. I’m not supposed to do that. I’m supposed to, you know, be a student. But as I’m the one who knows Flash the best at work (curse you, Flash!), it has fallen to me to do this HUMUNGOUS project. Bah. And humbug.

~I can’t remember if I wrote this here or not, but I have arthritis in my back. Not debilitating, but enough that I want to cry most days just getting out of bed. I try not to complain too much to friends since I know they don’t really understand and it’s not their problem (even though they are SO great about it), but it actually really hurts a lot. I’m 21. I’m not supposed to have arthritis. I’m supposed to be able to bend over AND get back up again on my own. Most mornings I can’t even bend over the sink to wash my face. There is nothing I can do short of stretching it and popping Advil. Most days it doesn’t help.

~School is kicking my butt. ‘Nuff said on that. At least I’m still passing (I think).

~My mom might lose her job, and as much as I can pretend to be strong, I’m not. I’m not strong right now. I’m terrified. For her, and for me. For what it means for her. And I’m mad too. She doesn’t deserve any of this. It breaks my heart. We’re waiting right now. I hate waiting. It is so hard to be still. I don’t know what to feel. She seems calm and trusting in God, but I don’t know. I just don’t know.

~Finances boggle my mind. Enough about that too.

~Change is coming. And, you guessed it, I hate change. I just don’t do well with change. Never have.

But just because I think I might fall apart (for like the 4th time in two weeks), I feel the need to list the good, too:

~The work project has actually been really fun, too. I’ve learned a LOT about Flash from jumping in and getting my hands dirty. I’m really glad I took it on. I just need to improve my time-management skills. Plus, it will be DONE tomorrow (it’s a Flash presentation for the Holiday Reception, which is tomorrow afternoon). And I won’t lie, I’m actually REALLY proud of it. Literally HOURS upon HOURS of hard work have gone into this. I won’t be sad to see it go, but I’m glad I did it. And it might get me a full-time gig after I graduate. *fingers crossed*

~It’s hard to find the positive in feeling like an 80-yr-old, but at least I can walk and don’t require back surgery at 21-yrs-old (which is probably what would have happened if it had been a slipped disk). Not going to lie though, I get pretty discouraged when even something as simple as cleaning my room results in not being able to move the next day without copious amounts of prescription ibuprofen. But I’m working on it.

~Finals are OVER tomorrow. I think I’ve passed everything so far, but Spanish is probably my hardest one, and it’s last (tomorrow at 10:30). Here’s hoping.

~I can’t even process Mom, yet. I’m ignoring it because I’m staying busy, but I know it will hit me soon. I just can’t think about it without crying, as dramatic as that sounds. Gah.

~As far as finances go, I really am blessed. I can eat. I live on my own. I have my own car. I afford it all. I haven’t gone shopping in months (besides Christmas shopping for others), and I’m not dying. I don’t even really miss it, oddly enough. I have a job. I have a GREAT support system (mom) who can help me out while I’m learning about and making mistakes in managing my finances, but will still let me do it on my own and offer me tips when I ask for them.

~I can’t really think of anything positive about change (we’ve just never been friends), but I’ll get through it. I always do. Being a “grownup” doesn’t have to be as scary as it is in my head.

~And… I’m going to Vegas with Janet, Nick, their mom, and Liz Sunday through Tuesday. Even though I won’t be gambling more than like ten dollars (just because I’ve never tried, and because of the afore-mentioned financial issues), I AM SO EXCITED to just get away for a few days. It will be really nice to spend those days with people I really love. I scraped up the money for the plane ticket (finally realizing why my parents always said savings were so important - I’ve paid for a new radiator and a ticket to Vegas and times when my paycheck didn’t quite cover food, and I still have enough left for a small cushion. It’s really remarkable how much better I feel about it all knowing that money is there if I need it, and earning interest if I don’t), but Janet’s parents are paying for the hotel for all of us and even meals when we’re all together. And I told Janet thank you, but I don’t even think she knows how much I appreciate it, or that the night after I wrote the check for the plane ticket (that her mother booked for me), I cried one or two happy tears as I was falling asleep, because I was so thankful to have her as a friend, and because I would not have been able to afford the hotel and would not have been able to go, without her parents. I am so ready for this trip. And this section was long, but I meant it all.

So I dunno. I feel like I’ve done a LOT of growing up these last 4 or 5 years. Some of it good, some horrible. Some I would never wish on another living soul. I’ve done a lot of backsliding too, which I’m not sure I’ll ever climb out of, but on the whole, I think I’m joyful. Many times, it’s a fight, and I’m oftentimes not happy at all. But I love my friends, and I love my mother and family, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

When I come home after learning that my mother might lose her job and I’ve been working for two weeks straight, and I’m just so tired, and my best friend tells me simply that she misses me. When I’m stressing, but we watch Golden Girls and eat cheese and draw on each other’s graffiti walls on Facebook. When I freak out unnecessarily about losing her because a lot of things in my life are so uncertain right now, and I try to hide it, but she sees straight through it and reassures me that there’s no way we could ever stop being friends. The way she’s just there, there to tell me stories when I need to not be thinking about my life, but there to listen when I need to talk about it. She doesn’t try to fix it, she just listens and tries to help me process it.

When I need to just not be in my house and I call Allison and she says to come on over whenever. We make dinner, play Guitar Hero, and talk. Or shnuggle. Or just watch tv and sit quietly. It all helps, although I don’t think I’ve ever told her that. So Allison, if you’re reading this, thank you. I know you’re just trying to be a friend, but I don’t take anything you do for granted. I appreciate all the dinners, all the times you let me crash at your house for a few hours.

When I start thinking a lot about my brother and how I haven’t seen him or Ashley since September, and out of the blue he texts me to come visit. And even though I can only stay for the day, they just relax with me. That was a good day. A really good day.

When I freak out over work and just get so freaking tired of being awake and out of my pajamas, and my mom is okay with me calling her just to say goodnight. When instead of being like every other normal college kid and gradually drifting to a safe distance from my mom, I call her more now than I ever did before. I talk to her every day. I call at lunch just to say hello. Just to hear her voice and reassure myself she’s still there. And she’s okay with that, and calls me back when I ask her to, even though I often have nothing to say. When I start to cry about being worried that I won’t even have enough money to pay for food or gas to get to all the places I have to go this month, she immediately offers to give me money, then tells me how proud she is of me when I tell her I feel like I need to go through this on my own and find my own way. I don’t think she knows how much that meant, to hear her say she is proud of my financial choice, when I feel like I’m floundering. It made me feel like I was making the right choice, like I could really get through it, when I had my doubts. I think she understands how conflicted I feel sometimes, when all I want to do is drive to Austin and snuggle into bed with her, but I have to stay here and study or because I have other commitments. The conflict between wanting to be her baby again and knowing I never will be. Stability in an unstable world.